What Is a Friend?

Photo by Alex P courtesy of Pexels

This week's discussion in our Women's Empowerment Circle centered around the exploration of friendship. Having a Rare child radically changes you and your world, and some of your old friends will not be able to relate to your current life. It's possible that they won't know how to act around your Rare child or they may innocently make an inappropriate or hurtful comment about them. How do you communicate your needs to these friends and what if anything may be getting in the way of being honest? There are many benefits to having old friends, and there is a deep benefit of being in community with other Raregivers. This is what we are here for.

Qualities of a Friend

How would you define someone who is a true friend? Maybe it's someone who shows up for you or someone whom you can call no matter how you’re feeling? Someone who can see you and hold you when you're having a particularly challenging time and celebrate your successes. A friend is someone you can count on and as you age, especially as Raregivers, making new friends may be an uncommon experience. Perhaps new friends are people who have experienced grief and who know that you cannot control things in the outside world. New friends who can understand you have lost something; some part of their world has come crashing down. They have experienced life’s harshness which is very emotionally sobering.

Local Friends

If you are a Raregiver who has both Rare and Neurotypical children, you will find that you are straddling two different worlds. Having a Neurotypical child opens the doors to local events, community ball games, and casual chats at the playground.. Because you have your Neurotypical child you fit into the broader community and, still you have your Rare child. One of our participants today said she felt like an "imposter" because she does not often share about her Rare child in her local school community. This can be challenging because it is difficult to hide who you are, and yet it may not be appropriate to share all of who you are. It takes time to build connections, so be patient and see if you can be honest with people once trust has been built and you feel safe.

Friendships Evolve and Change

As you age, life gets more complex, there are aspects of you that not everyone can know. The life of a Raregiver is very different from the mainstream mother’s life. Your old friends from college may have a hard time understanding that because you take your child to so many doctor’s appointments every month, you can't be spontaneous and do things with your whole family at the drop of a hat. Your life has a different shape. The reality is you can't expect all of your friends to hold space for all aspects of you. Perhaps you can adjust your expectations? Maybe a relationship that was once close is now one where you simply exchange texts every so often. Not every connection needs to be deep.

Where Are You Coming From?

It may serve you to come from intention rather than from trauma. Be intentional about how you show up and what you share with whom. You may choose not to share your deepest challenges with all of your friends. Some friends will be able to hold you in a compassionate, loving way, and others may express pity for you and say things like, "Oh your life is so hard" which definitely is not what you want to hear. Be discerning and trust yourself as you navigate friends and relationships.

Join Us

Coming up next week: Anticipatory Grief & Permission to Feel

On your journey as a Raregiver, you will eventually grapple with how to cope with the end of your beloved child’s life. This may involve grieving while still caring for them. This experience is called anticipatory grief and can last for several years. Receiving compassionate emotional support and giving yourself permission to feel during this time is essential. And, finding time to discuss the journey of death and dying with others will help lessen your burden. Please join us for a tender-hearted conversation.

Please Join Us for the Women's Empowerment Circle every Tuesday at 10am PST

You may not realize how much you need the Raregivers community until you find it.

Zoom Link: https://us02web.zoom.us/j/88974713173

We look forward to being with you soon.

𓆩♡𓆪 𓆩♡𓆪 𓆩♡𓆪