Mix It Up And Let Go of the Hero’s Cloak

By Padma Gordon

As caregivers, it can be easy to slip into the belief that we are the only ones who can care for our Rare loved one in the way they need. And in some ways, this is true. You know your loved one intimately, you understand their needs, and you have developed ways of showing up that are uniquely yours. Yet, somewhere along the way, you may find yourself wearing the hero’s cloak, believing that you must keep doing more, anticipating every need, and holding everything together.

The reality is that caregiving can be exhausting, and if you continually put yourself last, you may eventually find yourself depleted and experiencing burnout. One of our participants shared that when she begins to feel tired, she actually does more. Her mind starts racing with questions like, “What could I do better?” and “What else can I put in place for my Rare child?”

Another familiar thought might be, “This is how I show up, and if I don’t do it, someone will miss out.” It takes tremendous awareness to notice these patterns, especially when doing more has become second nature. And yet, you matter, too. You deserve to turn some of your precious attention toward yourself, to luxuriate in your own awareness, and to nourish yourself in the many ways your body, mind, and heart need.

What would it look like to loosen the hero’s cloak, even just a little? When you notice yourself feeling overwhelmed, pause and ask, “What can I cut back on?” Perhaps you need a day without driving, a little less on your to-do list, or permission to leave something for tomorrow. You might ask yourself, “Is this really true? Am I the only one who can do this?” When we feel the need to control everything, anxiety is often running the show. Rather than automatically following the familiar thoughts and habits, give yourself two minutes to be still and allow your nervous system to settle. Move your energy when you need to. Take a walk, exercise, or give your feelings room to move through you. And when possible, take time off and do absolutely nothing. Binge-watch a favorite show, clean your house if that brings you joy, or simply rest. If you rarely get a break from the person you care for, consider how you might mix things up. One participant shared how much she enjoys watching her grandchildren, playing with them, and getting out of the house. Sometimes, a change of scenery or a different kind of connection can offer a welcome shift in perspective. These small acts of stepping outside your routine invite you to break old patterns and discover new ways of caring for yourself.

This is an invitation to practice awareness in your daily life. When you are in the shower, be in the shower. Feel the warm water on your back and the lather of the shampoo in your hair. Notice what brings you into the present moment and what pulls you away. Perhaps your mind is caught in a loop of “I should be doing…” If so, write it down on your list and give yourself permission to return to what you are doing right now. Be patient with yourself as you learn to recognize these habits and choose something different. You do not have to change everything at once. Sometimes, the most loving thing you can do is pause, breathe, and allow yourself to be exactly where you are. Letting go of the hero’s cloak does not mean caring less about your Rare loved one. It means recognizing that you are part of the circle of care, too. Your well-being matters, and tending to yourself is essential for the long journey ahead. Give yourself space to rest, receive, and be nourished. Remember, you are human, you are worthy of care, and love always wins.

Coming Up On October 27: Lead With Love: A Compassionate Communication Toolkit 

Your family works as a team and as the primary caregiver, you are team captain. You are in it together, share a common vision and goals; however, someone has to lead and attunement is an essential leadership skill. We will explore key elements of leadership including mindful approaches to collaboration, cooperation, listening and validation. You will learn how to be a better team player by staying calm and regulated. Let’s cheer each other on while expanding our communication skills and self-care.

Join Us for the Women's Empowerment Circle every Tuesday at 10am PST.

You may not realize how much you need the Raregivers community until you find it.

Zoom Link: https://us02web.zoom.us/j/84782918881

Blessings to all…