Boundaries As Self-Care
By Padma Gordon
Boundaries are important because they hold us. This was the topic of our conversation this week in the Women’s Empowerment Circle, where we explored what makes setting boundaries difficult and how they actually serve and support us. As caregivers, we may need boundaries with ourselves, our loved ones, our care teams, and the Rare person in our lives. Sometimes the most important boundary is internal. If your Rare child is able to go to college, for example, you may need to set a boundary around rumination and catastrophic thinking about all the things that could go wrong when they are living apart from you. Future tripping can feel like preparation, but it rarely gives us more control. It simply pulls us out of the present moment.
The first step is noticing what is happening in your body when those thoughts begin. Is your chest tight? Is your stomach clenched? Are your shoulders crunched up around your ears? These physical sensations can become a signal: Pause. Breathe. Slow down. When we notice the tension and allow ourselves to settle, we can see more clearly what is actually needed right now. Boundaries can also be wonderfully practical. You may need to say to your Rare child or partner, “I need a break from this conversation,” even when you love them deeply. Boundaries are not rejection. They are an act of kindness to ourselves and others.
Money is another place where boundaries are foundational. You may want to give everything you can to your children, especially when you know their lifespan may be shorter than usual. You may already be grieving the future you wish they could have. And yet, if giving means you cannot afford your own glasses, hearing aids, medical care, or other needs, a boundary may be what's needed for you to be in integrity with yourself. The same is true with siblings. Your neurotypical children may have opportunities your Rare child does not, and those differences can create complicated feelings. A sibling may even set a hard boundary and take some space as they get older. Trust that they will come back to you. And remember: Of course they feel that way. Their feelings make sense because they are having them. We can make room for feelings without needing to fix them.
Most of all, boundaries ask us to become honest about our own capacity. When someone needs more from you than you can give, you might simply say, “I’m at capacity.” You are not blaming or judging anyone; you are naming what you are capable of in the moment. Boundaries are a form of self-love. They help us stay connected to ourselves while remaining in relationship with the people we love. Be generous with yourself and others. Notice when you need to pause, breathe, slow down, and create some space. And when a boundary is needed, set it clearly and with kindness. Boundaries do not push love away. Often, they are what allow love to flourish.
Coming Up On August 18: Recognizing You Have Needs (Stage 4: Brutal Realities of Full-time Care):
When your loved one needs full-time care, your life changes drastically. You may have to stop working or increase your work hours due to greater financial strain. If you stop working, you may lose touch with work contacts and feel isolated or depressed. You have less time for yourself and the relationships with your partner and your neurotypical children. At times, caregivers find that they are completely skipping over themselves while the idea of exercise or sitting quietly fades from view.
It’s key to recognize you have needs and your needs matter. When your needs go untended, your capacity to care for others decreases. In this session, you will learn how to discern what you truly need and practice the building blocks for making skillful requests.
