By Padma Gordon
Boundaries are an act of self-care, and you might think of them as an embrace. Rather than pushing people away, boundaries hold us, protect our energy, and create the space we need to care for ourselves. We can set boundaries with others, and we can set them with ourselves, too. How do you know when you need a boundary? Perhaps you notice resentment creeping in, exhaustion taking hold, or a feeling that you're constantly giving more than you have to give. Maybe it's the voice of your inner critic or all the ways you should yourself. As a caregiver, it's important to recognize that you have needs, too. You need rest, time for yourself, and the freedom to make choices that support your well-being. Setting boundaries is not selfish. It is self-care.
Setting boundaries with family members can be particularly challenging. People often have strong opinions about how things should be done, drawing on their own experiences raising children or caring for loved ones. They may offer suggestions that aren't helpful because they don't fully understand the complexity of your situation. Sometimes you need to kindly and firmly stand your ground, even if it puts someone off. You are the one living this experience, and you know what works best for your family. Remember, it's okay to say no. If you say yes to everyone and everything, there will be nothing left for you. And you need time for yourself. Period. A boundary can be as simple as saying, "That doesn't work for us," or "I appreciate your suggestion, and we've found a different way that works better."
Sometimes the most helpful boundary is a pause. If a conversation is going sideways, you can say, "I think we need to take a pause and come back to this." This creates an opportunity for everyone to slow down, step out of reactivity, and make room for empathy. You can also take a micro moment for yourself, simply breathing and slowing down before responding. These small pauses create space to reset so you can be more skillful and intentional in how you communicate. Remember, you need to eat, sleep, breathe, and take care of yourself. Without tending to these basic needs, you're much more likely to be reactive. Pausing is a way of coming home to yourself.
Sometimes the boundaries we most need to set are with ourselves. We may need to set a boundary with our fear, particularly the fear of allowing our Rare loved ones to spend time with other people because we know we can do it better than anyone else. Of course, there are real considerations around safety, trust, and finding the right support. And yet, holding on too tightly can limit opportunities for everyone. Allowing your Rare loved one to build relationships and enjoy social experiences beyond the family home can be a gift to them, and to you. It may feel uncomfortable at first, and it may require a willingness to take a little risk. So ask yourself: Where in your life do you need to set a boundary? How might that boundary support you? Remember, boundaries aren't walls. They are an embrace, a way of saying that your needs matter, your energy matters, and you matter, too.
Coming Up Next Week on Nov. 17: Valuing Your Needs (Stage 4: Brutal Realities of Full-time Care)
When your loved one needs full-time care, your life changes drastically. You may have to stop working or increase your work hours due to greater financial strain. If you stop working, you may lose touch with work contacts and feel isolated or depressed. You have less time for yourself and the relationships with your partner and your neurotypical children. At times, caregivers find that they are completely skipping over themselves while the idea of exercise or sitting quietly fades from view.
It’s important to recognize your needs and value yourself. For some caregivers, this is a foreign concept and self-care is akin to being selfish which is a misunderstanding. When your needs go untended, your capacity to care for others decreases. In this session, you will learn how to mindfully notice what you need and practice the building blocks for making skillful requests.
Join Us for the Women's Empowerment Circle every Tuesday at 10am PST.
You may not realize how much you need the Raregivers community until you find it.
Zoom Link: https://us02web.zoom.us/j/84782918881
